If you are a girl

I am a girl. I know when a boy is looking at me. Even if our angle of glances are not the same. I know what the look says. I can tell what he is thinking. Just because I’m a girl. No more qualifications are required. Time, teenage, innocence, neighbours, distant relatives, passengers on a packed train or a bus, teach us everything. I know what clothes might look vulgar, what can attract not-so-attractive comments. Nobody had to teach me. I am not a gifted one either. Girls know. How? Experience helps. Thank God for the instinct.

Knowing just like that is a gift to all, I might add. But the reaction to it, depends. . . Some react, some don’t. Some react violently, some are witty. Some are daring, some outrageous. I can’t advocate any one of the reactions. I’m yet to frame out for myself one. So, I just ignore. Yes, that means I don’t react. Does that make me look coward? I bar that thought and it would still come again. It won’t stop untill I feed my brain with a satisfactory answer. Each time I have that feeling I tell myself it was an intelligent step I took. It shuts the coward thought for a while. It still comes back next time. I don’t have a satisfactory answer.

Images of acid hit faces of girls are definitely not a help. Yes, I am educated. I am aware of my rights. I have a very supportive family background as well. And they are not conservative. The question remains the same, is reacting against an unpleasant comment an intelligent step?

The lane from my hostel to main road isn’t going to change. Once in few days there will be a comment I don’t want to hear. I walk straight. They should assume I have not heard. There may be louder comments. It’s only going to fasten my pace. I will not turn my head to see who said it. It doesn’t matter. I am not going to react. There is no other road from my hostel. The faces may change. The comments may change. But they will be there. Once in a while. I don’t think reacting is worth the time I am supposed to have with friends after I cross the road. I don’t think its worth changing my address.

Ignorance is bliss.

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Jealousy and Guilt

Is there no one in this world who is untouched of the feeling of jealousy?  what  do you think… Bill Gates wouldn’t get jealous of seeing a guy having a cone of  ice cream when he has a viral infection…?  and Hey! why did I  mention Bill Gates anyway? may be  ‘coz we have a general perception, rich people are happy people. debates are there on  this well-discussed topic as well but I am not taking that road today.

is being jealous  bad?  ( I Know what are you thinking now…” What are you? Of course, it is!! you have any doubt, princess..??? huh…!! you gotta b insane… ” but my dear readers, my article intends to change this very thinking of yours . )

so here is my question again,  should one be guilty of being  jealous?

I’ve led a very  idealistic life in my school days. (and saying that, I’m obviously very proud ) Never allowed any wrong done to anyone because of me.  It has bothered me from a long time now that nobody is harmed due to me. And this thinking of mine has maintained an important position in the thought process of my taking important decisions. Guilt is a feeling I get easily caught by. And deep within  the conscience it wouldn’t stop eating me until I pacify the wrong done.  And then if one has committed a mistake, one should not hold self from mending it.  Even if it makes you look stupid. I am not sure about the latter part though. I follow it irrespective of the result. Because when an intelligent decision is impossible to be made, the whether-good-or-bad perspective suits me better. When I was younger, I used to feel guilty of being jealous. I would  think why I’m being jealous? I shouldn’t be. This is something bad people do. Just another trial to prove that I don’t have a filthy thinking to me. I was always trying too hard. Even  to prove things to myself.

I am reminded today, on one of those general awareness exams in school a group of my friends from class did ultimate cheating. The teachers were not stopping them either. Me and my best friend remained our honest selves and completed the test likewise. I wouldn’t hide I cursed a lot. All  the while I assumed God is watching everything.  This bunch is definitely not going to score better. However, being a science student I had my doubts. The day the result was  declared . . . my doubts were proven right.  I couldn’t draw a lesson from  this chapter though. Should I too have cheated given the opportunity? A girl from the group of cheaters topped in the district. Everyone knew my general awareness was the highest in class. Has God signaled me from this triumph of hers and my failure that if everyone is doing it, it is not wrong? I am still not satisfied with the results. . .

However, we are talking about jealousy here. My jealousy, on this situation, isn’t justified?  God cannot be biased. Or he can be? Now when I am reading myself  a thought strikes me, wasn’t it this doubt of mine on God that led talk to my failure? But how could it be? People talk about luck all the time. . . if there is luck, does not that imply God is partial?

I am blaming God again. And I am aware I am committing another mistake. But sometimes we are  faced with situations when blaming everything on God seems like the easiest way to escape. Questions like , “Why did he do this to me?, Why did he make me like this? ” help ease the pain. The pain of failure, the pain of rejection.  And then… God is great. He can’t be angry. After all, He understands everything.

I just wanted to say through this article,  In school days when life was direct and simple , jealousy and guilt issues used to occupy  the major space of life. Now when slowly life is getting complex , there is not much space left for emotions like those.  One has to block them ‘coz there are  many other more important things to be done. I guess when I’ll be mature I’ll be over these feelings. Or not. The algorithm goes altogether different for ladies may be. They are always jealous. It could be jewelry, a dress, your house, the furniture in it, or the relationship one shares with her husband. . . It could be anything.

Jealousy isn’t bad. Anger isn’t bad. These too are as natural as a smile on your face or a gesture of affection for you. Just another sudden outburst of emotion.  How  can  something be bad when its natural? Why a guilt for a thing like that?